Sexual Wellness, Confidence, and Empowerment for Black women
If the word “wellness” were to be placed front and centre in a spider diagram, then we might expect to see things like exercise, nutrition, meditation, and therapy surrounding it. But, what about sex? Conversations around sex are expanding in the mainstream.
From erotic or should I say spicy fiction capturing a new generation of fans in the #BookTok community to sex scenes in films like Challengers and Babygirl convincing us to switch Netflix for popcorn-scented cinema seats; the shift is evident.
If the word “wellness” were to be placed front and centre in a spider diagram, then we might expect to see things like exercise, nutrition, meditation, and therapy surrounding it. But, what about sex? Conversations around sex are expanding in the mainstream. From erotic or should I say spicy fiction capturing a new generation of fans in the #BookTok community to sex scenes in films like Challengers and Babygirl convincing us to switch Netflix for popcorn-scented cinema seats; the shift is evident.
When it comes to wellness, nestled alongside luxury gym memberships and gratitude journals; more shelf space is being dedicated to sexual wellness products. Whether you’re in the market for organic sounds-like-a-cocktail lubricants, or pleasure-promising toys that could double up as an objet d’art, sexual wellness products are projected to reach $65.1 billion by the end of 2034. Like the rest of the wellness space, which is always at risk of being over-commodified, a Google search of sexual wellness, will flood you with online retailers selling their wares. However, we need to go beyond stocking our bedside drawers and dive deeper into just how important sexual wellness is, especially for Black women for whom reclaiming agency and empowerment is vital.
Especially, when we sit with the realities that according to the Terrence Higgins Trust marginalised communities continue to be disproportionally impacted by higher rates of sexually transmitted infections. As well as the pervasive impact of the “jezebel stereotype” on Black women that contributes to Black girls being disproportionately targeted and sexualised for the clothes they wear, as evidenced by a report on adultification bias by Georgetown Law which acknowledges that adults view Black girls as less innocent and more adult-like than their white peers. When you pair all of this with the ancestral trauma of sexual exploitation and rape being used as a device of control and punishment to the enslaved, and racist tropes played out in the porn industry; the sexual disparities and barriers for Black women to move through are striking.
Sexual wellness must be a part of our wellbeing, not just for healing, but because we deserve great sex and pleasure-filled lives. This leads us to the incredible Aisha Paris Smith, a somatic sex and life coach, speaker, and sexological bodyworker, is the kind of human that everyone needs in their contact list when it comes to this topic. With her expansive view of the body, sex, and how it relates to our self-expression, we decided to have a chat with her on how we can add sex to our wellness pillars.
Aisha Paris Smith
Aisha, tell us, what’s your definition of sexual wellness?
Sexual wellness is a new field about the health of our sexual selves, that people are really starting to pay attention to. It’s about how well and expressed we are in our sexuality on one level and on another, it speaks to our physical wellness of our sexual anatomy. As we become more sex positive, we understand that our sexuality is not separate from the other parts of ourselves. In fact, our sexuality is integrated with all of the other important functions, like our respiratory system and circulatory systems, as well as our psychology. So, we’re paying attention to our sexual wellness, in order that we thrive there, and all other areas of our lives thrive as a result.
Understandably, due to its stigma in society, there’s a lot of fear surrounding sex, what comes up for people in your work?
Mostly this comes from people being quite afraid of what they’ll find either on a conscious or unconscious level. People tend to come with some kind of shame about their sexuality or the sexual parts of their body, which can cause fear about being judged, found out to be unworthy in some way, that they won’t be able to get help, or even that the experience will make things worse for them, especially for people who have trauma. With all of this, I think it’s important to focus on the question, “what do you want?”, as it shows our ability to identify, trust and value our wants, and is deeply related to how we’re showing up in our sexual lives. Whilst the fears are there and are important in a way, because they keep us safe; we’re able to tend to our boundaries and needs when we’re present with them.
Black women have often been over-sexualised in society, how can we start to take steps in having more body sovereignty and ownership of our sexuality?
It’s Audre Lorde who said, “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
I think as Black women with an awareness of the ways in which we’ve been over-sexualised, it’s very important for us to explore and make contact with who we are sexually, how we want to show up and to become aware of where we might be pandering to what we think other people want, so as to not “disappoint” them. That’s where we have to start to notice and ask ourselves: Who do I want to have access to my body? How do I want to feel? What clothes do I want to wear? How do I want to style myself? We should also allow ourselves to make mistakes, or creative errors as I call them. We can often think that we don’t know how to show up or what we enjoy sexually, but it's not for anyone else, and it’s okay to not know. We discover through exploring, making choices, trying things, seeing how they feel and if they work, and on what level are we enjoying them.
Aisha’s Tips For Feeling More Confident and Empowered in Your Sexuality
Building a narrative between yourself and your body is a great place to start, and you can do body check-ins throughout the day. You can do this by asking yourself: What am I noticing? What am I feeling in my body? How comfortable is my body? What is my body trying to communicate with me? What emotions are surfacing? What impulses do I have and how am I responding to those impulses? If that’s something you already do then I’d invite you to do that specifically with your genitals and arousal or if there’s an absence or quietness around arousal in your body, just starting to bring awareness to those areas, to look, and explore them.
You can get a coach or to go into spaces where there is sex positivity and people who are modelling what it looks like to be confident and set boundaries. We learn very quickly through witnessing others and it’s also supportive for us, as it regulates our nervous system in an area where we sometimes go offline and into dysregulation. It’s also great to have conversations with people you trust around sex, sexuality, and your body.
Sexuality is one of those areas that can hold a lot of stuff for people, so becoming more empowered can look like asking: What would be fun for me? What’s a fun way for me to explore this? What’s a fun experience for me to have to build my confidence? Because this is an area that’s all about pleasure, so even when we’re learning and developing ourselves there, we want to move with a pleasurable approach.
Aisha Paris Smith offers somatic sex coaching, an on-demand course and events.